3 Steps to manage a conflict of values with yourself

Dernière mise à jour de l'article le 8 May 2024

Welcome to this blog to help you take back control of your life and become the architect of your life again!
Are you wondering about what really drives you in your life? Would you like to discover that little flame inside you that gets you up in the morning?
✨ How about taking an online test to identify the values ​​that are most important to you? If that appeals to you, go to Identify your values.

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Remember.

Remember one evening, in the middle of the week, it must have been Tuesday.

A Tuesday evening at work, around 8 p.m. where you were finishing a super ultra mega important presentation for your managers.

You were alone in the office.

Everyone was gone… except you.

You, in front of your computer screen, asking yourself the question “but what am I still doing in the office at this hour!?” .

And then thoughts came to your mind.

Thoughts such as:

“I have my family waiting for me, I am tired and I almost have no strength left to finish this presentation.”

“I have to reread myself several times to make sure I don’t make a mistake…”

“But hey… they’re counting on me on this one so I have to be sure…”

And finally, a decision to no longer reproduce this situation :

“Next time, I will try to organize myself better so that it doesn’t happen again”…

And then the next time came again.

And…the same pattern happened…

You felt guilty about staying late at work to finish this mega-important file, because you weren’t spending that time with your loved ones. And at the same time, you couldn’t let your team down on this issue. They were counting on you.

In short, you feel guilty for not seeing your loved ones often in the evening and at the same time, you know that if you don’t finish this file, you will also feel guilty for having come home early from work.

What a dilemma! 

What to do in this kind of situation?

Does this mean anything to you? 

If yes, read on, I will reveal to you one of the hidden secrets behind this problem…

Why do we feel guilty, whatever the situation?

Well, I’m not going to keep you waiting, I’m revealing this secret to you.

It’s quite simply that you are probably experiencing an internal conflict of values.

Yes, it can happen that in certain situations, we are faced with a conflict of values ​​with ourselves.

In this case, we are our own enemy in this conflict. There is no need for a third person or an organization for this (to find out more, I invite you to listen to episode 003 – How to Manage Values ​​Conflicts ).
An internal conflict of values ​​is when you disagree with yourself. Or even when you can’t make a choice.

It’s when two values ​​that are important to you lead you to have to make a choice which, a priori, will lead you towards two different paths. Even sometimes, it is a conflict with one and the same value, but from which two different behaviors can result. 

And so, if our behaviors do not support our values ​​and call into question a part of us, then we are in the grip of an internal conflict of values. 

In our example above, if for example, you have an important value around Family and another, equally important, around Trust (these are just examples, eh) , this can lead to the situation described.

On the one hand, you have been trusted with these entrusted files and you do not want to disappoint your managers and your colleagues. You do everything in your power to complete the requested work on time, even if it means staying later in the evening at the office. Looking only at this value, this aspect of your life, we can say that this value is satisfied. You respond to this need for satisfaction and we recognize you as a trustworthy person who can be counted on. Great !

On the other hand, you attach great importance to your family and want all the best for those close to you. This is why you work so hard: to be able to offer them what they need and so that they don’t lack anything…. However, you would like to spend a lot more time with your loved ones… and less at work… but you have to make a choice…. sacrifices in life.

In short, you have understood, you must make a choice between two situations which each of them, taken individually, give you complete satisfaction, but can contradict each other when they coexist together in the same space-time .

What to do in this kind of situation?

I suggest 3 steps to follow to help you in this type of situation.

The idea is that you can take a step back from certain situations that you may experience in your daily life. That you can broaden your vision of the situation and find solutions that will allow you to best experience this conflict of values.

In summary, these 3 steps consist of:

1. Define your value system / what is really important
2. Identify the behavior you want to change and what need it meets
3. Think about ideas to put in place to change the situation and satisfy the 2 values ​​in question

1. First of all, why is it important to define your value system and in particular your scale of values.

If you know what is really important to you, you will have less doubt in your decisions. It won’t take away the moment of hesitation, but the choice will be more obvious.

You will be more aligned when you have to make a choice, because you will know which value will be satisfied through that choice and which value will not eventually be satisfied.

And already, being aware of it, well, that’s already half the battle.

For example, which is the most important value between family and trust. There is no right or wrong answer. The only answer to remember is the one that really corresponds to your value system.

 To help you define your hierarchy of values, you can listen to episode 004 of the podcast Le Quart d’Heure d’Inspir’Action where I offer you a practical exercise on this subject.

2. Identify the behavior you want to change

If you feel an internal conflict of values, it means that the situation is not really satisfactory for you. SO ? What is this behavior that prevents you from being fully satisfied with your choices?

To identify this behavior, try to identify the value or values ​​that are not being met and understand why they are not being met. 

Remember that:

All behavior is underpinned by a positive intention.

Even if this behavior annoys you or makes you sad, this behavior helps meet a need. Try to understand the need behind this behavior. And often, this behavior is trying to satisfy, in its own way, one of your values ​​that is important to you.

For example, if you would like to be able to go home earlier, while still satisfying your need for others to perceive you as a trustworthy person, then the behavior you are adopting today (staying late at night) is not satisfying you. not entirely. However, this is not bad behavior, because it allows you to meet your need for the value of trust.

3. Brainstorm ideas to change this behavior

I invite you to take a few minutes of your time if you really want to change this behavior and to think about the following questions:

• “How can I interpret this behavior differently and in a positive way?”
• “What does this behavior satisfy in me?”
• “How is this behavior not meeting my most important value and which is not being met today?”
• “What other behavior could I have that would satisfy the most important value and meet the needs covered by the behavior I would like to change?”

Here are some tips to help you manage this type of situation. And above all, remember that there is nothing bad about these behaviors. You will continue to have to face internal conflicts of values, but at least you will have solutions to deal with them.

After all, our behaviors are only a reflection of our values.

If these tips were useful to you, do not hesitate to share this article with other people who encounter this type of situation.